a painstaking stab right thru my heart...my dad was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver... few months later we had diagnosed with Cancer in his throat. my world is falling a apart before my eyes and I cant do anything about it. months have passed we are too and from the hospital. funds are becoming dearth. i dnt know what to do but God is good... we were able to find our way thru everything. one Monday afternoon my dad was vomiting blood. i saw it... i asked if he's ok. he told me with a smile on his face. " I'm OK Darling... ( He often call us that darling, sweetheart...) he rarely complain. most of the time we doesn't want to be brought to the hospital. He knew we had no money... we had to drag him to go to the hospital assuring him that we have money to pay. I went to the hospital straight from work. i dnt know but i knew deep down inside me... that the moment is here... i decided to stay at the hospital with Mama. my Papa love my massage. he tells me that it eases his pain... and that what I did that night. he was in deep pain... I hold back my tears... if only i can share his pain... if only I can give my life i would.. seriously... I really would... I always pray that instead of my dad... He can get me in replace... I'm willing to die the next minute i knew that he will live longer. we never get to be with my dad because he had to work for us. he had to sacrifice being with us for our future... I prayed... but I guess we cant always have what we wanted. I saw my dad expire... i will never be the same person I was... doctor's was trying to revive my papa... the doctor told me if they continue to revive my papa.... I told them " OPO... PARA WALA DI NMAN PO SABIHIN NG PAPA AKO NA PINABAYAAN KO SYA... NA DI KO SHA NILABAN..." Then finally the doctors had given up. I saw my dad lifeless... I cried... I cried... I dont know why I didn't even embrace him... i was hoping that he'll wake up... hoping that i was all a bad dream... i didn't even embrace him... I called my sister telling them that they need to go to the hospital right away... My sisters was devastated seeing my Papa... dead... and cold... I dont know what to do. I m thinking I need to be strong for my Mama and my sisters... I had to...
my Papa passed away. and until now i blame my self every single day... i felt like i have never given enough... enough care... enough love... wish i could done more but i cant... cant sleep now a days... cant sleep without crying my eyes out... sometimes I ask asked God Why??? Why my dad??? Have I offended Him??? Have I not been a good person??? But who am I to question God... i promised my Papa that I would take care of the family... most of the time i ask my self how??? I dont have that much of a well paying job... I know that Papa will guide us like he always did. I plan to work abroad next year... I will never fail.... I will never fail my Papa... I will take care of my family till my last breath...
A message for my papa:
I love you, Papa. i miss you everyday... we miss you everyday... ill take care of Mama, Ha and Dang. i promise you that... Ill take good care of them. just like you took care of us. Thank you... Thank you for always being there for me.. for us... Thank you for everything... I'm sorry for all the pains I've caused you. I LOVE YOU PAPA... I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER!!!
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